At this point, I think I already lost the ability to write. I find it hard to write anything even when there is so much to share the past three months. This is probably the longest time I have been gone—in the blogosphere at least. I would have started this comeback post with an apology for the absence but nobody really notices that, so it doesn't matter.

Anyway, I have gone down the rabbit hole—that is TikTok. And I am still here with no plans of resurfacing soon. I am far too busy watching funny, dancing, and oddly satisfying videos to blog. 

It's crazy how I used to cringe at content made on TikTok and here I am with twenty-seven published videos on the same platform that I loathed so much. Well, what can I say? TikTok saved my life.

In case you are wondering how...

It all started a few months ago—just a few weeks after I gave birth to our daughter. My body felt like an effin' war zone. I was in a constant battle against sadness, frustration, and exhaustion. I self-medicated with chocolates and those made me feel good. 

But as the weeks pressed on, the chocolates were no longer enough. I started dwelling on bad possibilities and pitfalls. I was plagued with guilt and feelings of worthlessness (and ugliness). I've had meltdowns, crying spells, and worst, I was consumed with darkness that even with the best support system from the husband and my families, thoughts of my own death comforted me. 

Everyone knows I am a generally happy person. I don't get offended easily. I can deal with problems calmly. I am not sentimental (if the husband forgets about my birthday and/or our anniversary, believe me when I say that is not going to be an issue with me). I have a high emotional threshold. Nothing and no one can make me cry easily (asawa ko lang siguro. haha). So what I'm trying to say is, ako yung tipong hindi mo aakalaing mag-iisip ng ganyan. Wala akong pinaghuhugutan pero ang bigat bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Postpartum Depression is real. It does not choose. It does not discriminate. Even the most emotionally stable people could get hit.

Then I saw some funny reels on Facebook and most of it came from TikTok. Thought I needed more petty sh*t to laugh about. It's a temporary escape from the demons that try to make me do the unthinkable. So I reinstalled the app. 

The first video that flashed on my FYP was Mastermind, one of my favorite Pinoy dance groups, dancing to Zendaya's Something New. I told myself I wanted to dance it (without the intention of publishing). 

So I did.

It took me a few days to get the hang of dancing again and a few more days to learn a 30-second dance routine. I've danced so many times on stage before but I don't remember it being complicated. But then, that was more than fifteen years ago. Choreographies seemed easy back then. With this one, I struggled imitating the moves. But maybe that's because I don't have that much energy as I did before and my muscles have become too stiff. I enjoyed nonetheless.

@sarj.a

First. Pwede na magexercise ulit. But since I can't do strenuous workouts yet, tambay muna sa TikTok. 😁

♬ original sound - Mastermind PH

Jan saw how dancing lifted my spirits that he offered to buy Just Dance on Nintendo Switch for me. I declined.

You see, when I completed my first dance challenge, I decided to record and publish it. The process of learning the dance itself made me feel good but sharing it to world was another thing. I remember feeling ecstatic after getting five hearts, a week after I uploaded it. Oo, ang babaw pero sobrang saya ko because it means that other than my husband, someone else is watching. I have an audience!

So I did one more. And another. And as of this writing, I already took at least 20 dance challenges (some are still kept as drafts).

Doing these dance challenges on TikTok did three things for me:

1. It became my whole-body workout that I started losing the midsection flab slowly.

2. I realized that one can never be too old for TikTok. I'm glad that despite all these joints that needed greasing, and a nasty back pain that came with age and pregnancy, I can still keep up with the youth. 😅

37 and 16(?) years old. Yep, that's THE Niana Guerrero.

3. And most importantly, it made me feel alive. 

. 

TikTok reintroduced me to my first and long lost love, dancing. It made me look forward to something new every day. And the best thing about it, the dark thoughts no longer invade my mind because it has been occupied with the different dance routines that I needed to memorize. 😁

P.S. Jan insisted on seeking professional help. We also suspect that the contraceptive implant has something to do with the changes in my mood and behavior. Ever since I had it, my hormones went on a crazy overdrive (and I was bloody down there for three months). I was prescribed with meds to regulate my hormones and it did make me feel loads better.