Getting Out of the Murk

I don't have a job right now. And maybe a lot of you are wondering how the f*ck was I able to survive three months of paying bills and tuition fees, splurging on unneccessary stuff, and gallivanting without having a stable and full-time job. I do have a few Mobile App design jobs however, and I depended so much on my savings to sustain every whim (wrong move, I know). But just when August ended, I realized that I am running out of funds. Really.

I made myself believe that I actually tried looking for a job but all I did was just update my resume and that was it. Something's stopping me from pushing that apply button. It may seem that I am enjoying this bum life because that is what this blog is telling you - although I really am. 

But what many of you do not know is that throughout this jobless phase, I struggled for my confidence. I think I've lost it somewhere down those years of working with a boss who doesn't believe in you. Plus, one stinging fact that I cannot ignore is that I have never been rejected - not even once. I always get the job of the first choice of company I apply to. 

And that's what's feeding my fear. 

What if I applied for a job this time and not qualify? What if someone's better and I don't get the spot? Damn! With this lack of confidence, I stopped doing what I was supposed to do because I fear rejection. Didn't know these two could go hand in hand and struck you when you least expect it, leaving you feeling worthless and sh*t.

This is exactly where I see myself right now:

I see my fear as something that comes darting like a dagger, barely misses my face but makes a small, stinging cut on my cheek. The sight of a flying dagger, however, is ten times more terrifying than the actual cut itself. This has been going on for months and I have been brushing off the real deal aside. Throughout the course of "joblessness", I've only written about good things. I never wrote about the uglier truth behind because it's too pathetic to put into words.

I think I have been standing on this murky area for too long when I could have just walked away and be the shooter instead of the one being shot at. I am still rebuilding my confidence though. But more than that, I am in the process of overcoming my fear of rejection. And I couldn't be more thankful enough for Jan's words, "Too many reasons to earn money again compared to just think about a possible temporary feeling of rejection", which allowed me to take the first step: have a goal. Something to aim at. Think sea of clouds, Sarah. *wink*

I guess I have been too preoccupied with this present obstacle that I allowed myself to stay stuck in the rut and I refused to look forward. This whole ordeal has took me to realizations. And finally I say, I've had enough of that already. It's a shame that I haven't been able to live up to the line that I always tell myself, you cannot please everybody. I will fail anyone at some point but that doesn't mean I'm a failure. I believe the best thing to do now would be to stop deluding myself into believing that I have everything to be not worthy of failure or rejection. I will see through what I potentially lack and I'll turn that into my strength. I may fail and be rejected, and as human as I am, it may be painful but I know that's how I will learn. Anyway, wish me luck hunting for getting a job. :)