How I wish I can.

Just when you feel that everything around is trying to crush your spirit and put you down, you will realize that people who suck the life out of you actually exist. Sometimes it makes me wonder how people can actually take advantage of your kindness just to get what they want and feel no remorse about it.



But then if you have to think about it real hard, such people are, unfortunately, part of your learning and growing up. They allow you to see the nuances of human personalities and it helps you screen people out of your life.

Screening people, however, can be a painful process. Because vulnerability is an essential part of this. You have to be vulnerable to people and allow them to throw whatever they can throw at you if you wish to see the ones who are worth keeping.

Being vulnerable puts you in situations you wish you will never be. And right now, I am in a vulnerable state - sandwiched between doing the right thing and doing the good thing. They're almost the same but have drastically different end results. There's a very subtle line between the two and how I wish I didn't have to learn to see it the hard way. It's hard to keep everything in perfect balance. It's like finding yourself one leg on air, the other on a tightrope.

This is the point when I feel that my choices are not reasonable enough that I have allowed people to dictate my life. I just want to see to it that everybody is happy with my decisions even if it means a part of me gets crushed. But going back to what I said earlier, that's when the picture of people taking advantage of your kindness (or weakness) comes in. They tend to abuse it and they feel they can do anything as they please. And I cannot deny that I am foolish enough to know this but still allow them to do it.

I hate it when I get trapped in situations like this and I know there's no one to blame but me. I feel consumed by pain and regret. Why do they always have to come together? It felt like a stake being driven straight to my heart. I would have easily dodged it, if I chose to. But I guess, I have just let myself be vulnerable this time. What I didn't anticipate is the fatality of the blow that I found myself bathing in my own blood. A mistake I can never undo.

I will just think of this as part of my existence. Whatever I am going through can make me bolder. I am glad I am still holding up. And I am glad that despite how much I abhor the flip side of the society, there are people who are there to catch you before you trip hard and fall onto the ground. There are people who know you and remind who you really are. There are people who will never leave your side and listen to you whine, no matter how shallow or deep the issue is. And I think that's what fuels me in this journey.

I know a lot of you are wondering what the hell I am talking about. Shit just happened and I just wanted to let it all out. So if my thoughts came out confusing, pardon me if I wasted your time for this. But anyway, right now I pray for more patience. Because I just might beat someone to death if I ask for more strength. Haha. Kidding.