Unblocking

I was mindlessly lurking on my Facebook news feed when I suddenly stumbled upon one of my friend's drawings. I stared at it for a long time. Something bothered me. It couldn't be the stroke or the colors or the medium used. It's actually a pretty good drawing. But something is stirring up in my heart, and it's mixture of feelings of anguish, remorse, envy, and then there's a sudden longing.

I realized I terribly miss drawing.

When was the last time that I actually drew something? I don't effin' remember. I haven't been doing vectors and vexels, nor simply draw with a pen and paper for years. Yes, it has been years! I have been stuck. Although at some point, I would draw something, then I suddenly don't want to proceed. I stop and never finish it. The feeling of 'it's not good enough' is holding me back that I just toss whatever I had started and move on as if I haven't done anything.


Today, I grabbed a pencil and paper and started to think. Nothing came out. So I decided to do something random but my hand refused to move. I never knew one could be rusty at this. I lost the connection between my mind and my hand - they used to be very collaborative. But now, I have nothing. I know I could do something, but I just couldn't do it. No. I didn't lost the interest in drawing. I still love it. But I think I lost the verve to it.

If there's such thing as an artist's block, then I am suffering from it. And it's damn near impossible to find the reason why.  But I need to overcome this because it feels like an emotional suicide. It is depressing. I never thought it could feel this devastating when you feel you're no longer fit to do something you know you were good at.

I want to be the same old Sarah, that time when I itch to draw something just anywhere - be it on a phone, a tissue paper, even on my bag, or even on a cafeteria's table (yep, I've had a share of vandalism before, creative vandalism at that. haha).

Circa 2010.
When I am bored, I don't play games on my phone, I doodle instead.
And this is something that I miss doing.

I want to get back on track. I miss the satisfaction I get from drawing. I know my drawing skills are nowhere near those artists I look up to. I am terrible as terrible can be. But at least I have the heart and passion to it. And that's what really matters. That is the one thing I want to bring back.

So how am I supposed to overcome artist's block? I guess, I'll start by thinking about that time when my father used to post all of my drawings on our wall proudly, near the door so that visitors can see them immediately. That thought gives me a boost. And I think I'll head to the bookstore this afternoon and buy a few graphite pencils, an eraser, and of course, a sketchbook. I just hope the weather permits.

I can't promise though that I'll be religiously drawing the same way I used to. But I promise myself I'll start and finish at least one artwork this year. I guess, I shouldn't mind if it's good or not. Bad art is better than nothing at all.

And oh, I totally forgot about this. I bought this baby last year, but I never got to use it (except on some office tasks). I guess, it's about time to take this out of its box again. :)